How I almost fell into post-partum depression
"She is your great reward"
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve hit this space. NGL, the past few months have been rough. I know I wrote a post in June about how I have been working full time while taking care of an infant, and I also said that we wouldn’t get another helper until I have a second child.
However, that kind of lifestyle does take its toll, especially when work can get pretty intense and Enya falls sick due to school. When she falls sick, we either have to take urgent leave or employ the help of our families (which is unpredictable).
Then, we also fall sick and 3 of us cannot recover quickly as we are constantly in contact with each other.
I was burning out.
So, we decided to get a helper once again. Such things often require faith, just as how hiring someone at work requires faith. No matter how thorough you try to interview or check up on the person, you need faith that the person will help you instead of add more trouble to you when he/she’s in.
It’s been around 4 months since our new helper is here. So far, so good. Finally, I have space to breathe.
Let’s continue with some throwback today.
I am not an emotional person while my husband is. We often joke that we are like the opposite gender (typically the male is less emotional while the female is the emotional one). So I was curious if postpartum depression (PPD) would hit me after I gave birth.
I know, PPD is not a function of your emotional makeup. A lot of it can be due to hormonal changes or complications from birth or the pregnancy. After I delivered and lay on the hospital bed to rest, I felt pretty relieved that the whole experience was over.
And then the epidural wore off.
Nothing could prepare me for the excruciating pain I felt - in my tailbone. Apparently, I had bruised it while pushing, and so I found out that I could not lie down, sit down or stand up for long. I could mostly just lie on my side.
I also did not have the strength to carry Enya even though she was just 2.6kg as I did not have the spinal support. As a result, my breastfeeding techniques were not accurate and I had cracked nipples and lesser flow.
To sum it all up - I was in pain.
As seen from this picture, I could not carry her properly even while sitting down as I had to constantly lean forward.
For the entire month of confinement, it was a mental battle as I fought physical pain, tiredness from lack of sleep and how my days were split into intervals of pumping, eating and sleeping.
It was no surprise then, that I broke down a couple of times in that 4th trimester - and I mean ugly crying. I couldn’t control myself as my body and mental state was physically overwhelmed.
It was also only at the end of the month that I actually bathed Enya for the first time as I could finally squat down.
At that time, I thought to myself - if it was really so hard, I don’t think I can go through this again and have another child. My dream was actually to have 3 children.
One morning after I fed Enya and was lying beside her, a sentence suddenly entered my heart: “She is your great reward.”
Immediately, a peace entered my heart and I felt an assurance. As I pondered on the sentence, I felt myself having a mindset shift. If Enya is my reward, that means she is a blessing, a good thing, a benefit to my life. She is here to enhance my life, not destroy it.
And she is a great reward. An abundant gift, not only to me, but also to everyone around her.
That shift in perspective brought great clarity to my situation. Although I was fatigued and in pain, I knew that it would pass, and her presence is a great gift to my life and the people around her.
Eventually, my tailbone recovered after about 4 months. Breastfeeding also became easier and I got used to the changing sleep cycles.
In this journey of recovery, I also need to give credit to the unwavering support of my husband who took on all the roles that I could not do especially in the first month when I was mostly bedridden.
Also, we are grateful for the support from our family, in-laws and pastors, without whom we would not have been able to survive through this journey.
After almost 2 years of having her in my life, I can confirm how much of a blessing she has been to me and my immediate and extended family, friends and all.
I thank God for His word that gave me clarity and peace, and also hope that this little throwback encourages some of my readers in their own journey of parenting.
I guess I recovered so well that we are now expecting a second child.